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The
Seven Principles
One:
Finding
Yourself.
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Why
is this the first step? Actually it isn't just a first step. It is
Consciousness Transition #1 . . If you cannot be true to yourself, you can't be
true to anyone. Discovering who you are may take the rest of your life. But
getting into the habit of seeking the real you at all times is of utmost
importance. When you have grasped the essence of who you are, and determined to
live your life knowing yourself to the fullest, then when you find the right
person, you have a much better idea of what you are offering them when inviting
them to be a part of your life.
This is an amazing thing to tackle -
the finding of one's self. Some have called it soul searching; finding your
head; getting into the groove; the flow of life; seeking truth; or finding the
meaning of life. There must be hundreds of ways to ask the question. But the
question one asks of oneself always boils down to this:
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"Who am I?"
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Look at yourself in the mirror, and ask this
question... "Who am I?" Why is this so important? Because to discover who you
are gives ultimate meaning to your life. It gives you purpose. Purpose gives
you power - power to do, to be, to strive, to endure. It is not the names we
assume or the titles we are given - it is what we do that defines us.
And knowing who we are directs our actions.
Let's put things in a new
perspective. Please bear in mind that as far as I am concerned, you are free to
disagree with me at any time. I am not here to argue, just to give an opinion.
Everyone has that right. And I don't have the need to convert you to my way of
thinking. Whether you believe as I do or not is somewhat immaterial. However,
some of what I am conveying may make sense to you, and in that, perhaps some
truth will make itself more evident, giving deeper meaning to the subject,
affirming your commitment to act accordingly. If this happens, then the way you
treat your life will change, and what you get out of life will change
also.
In looking at the mirror, what is it that we see? It could
potentially be easier to accept what others see in us than to look at our own
image and analyze the view. Others get the best of us - the best impressions,
the best smiles and laughs, companionship - seemingly devoted friendship in
limited quantities that makes them want more. Unfortunately when we see our own
image, our own first hand knowledge of our selves tends to taint the image with
hidden meanings and values unseen. We know this person too well, and possibly
this works against us. Many believe that we are our own worst enemies in this,
because although it can be a simple thing to forgive someone else for a
transgression, to forgive ourselves is another thing altogether.
Forgiving ourselves may be easier, or it may be nearly impossible. Why
this distinction? Because for some, forgiveness of self is warranted and
simple, an obvious and easy adjustment of thinking that justifies and mends, as
opposed to that which cleanses and heals. We are often either too easy or too
hard on ourselves. I wonder at this, and speculate if the reasoning on the two
ends of the spectrum is selfless or selfish. Perhaps we sometimes let ourselves
off the hook too easily. It serves our purpose to let it go, and nonchalantly
ignore the depth of our own transgression. At other times we initiate a process
that requires too much contemplation and analysis. You might think, "Since I
know myself so well, I can imagine that I could again regress, and fall short
of the perfection required to be truly forgiven of my wrong. Hence if I think
this way, the problem is that not only must I know that I have done something
wrong, I must know that I would never do it again. And if I know that I could
fail again, how can I forgive myself?" Maybe your thinking doesn't achive that
level of logical analysis at all, and leaps to self-punishment.
These
are all potential lines of thinking. Was I wrong? Was it not as bad as I
thought? Am I being too hard on myself? Did I get off too easy? Probably most
of us are somewhere in between, dealing with our categories of commitments,
rights, wrongs, and judgements. We probably end up concluding some interesting
things about ourselves. If we are honest with ourselves, we should recognize
areas in which we fall short. This could make the image of ourselves
permanently imperfect, flawed, and in our minds, potentially rendering
ourselves undeserving of reward and happiness. And because of this, some of us
become the very best at punishing ourselves, with self-forgiveness being too
big a task. If ignoring our problems is one extreme, then overreacting in
self-punishment is the other extreme. In holding ourselves accountable we
impose the verdict and the judgment - including sentencing -and in the process
we may impede our own healing.
To use this process of judging oneself
suggests that one must discern truth, goodness, fairness, and righteousness,
and then measure oneself against a standard based on these principles. The
basic standard must be perfection. The grade of an "A" must start with that.
This becomes a harsh reality check, with everyone failing, and inevitably
settling for a lesser score.
The problem is, no one wants to admit
they fall short! Yet we all do.
So how do we tackle this tough
identity problem? We must accept the fact that it is okay to be
imperfect. It is all too logical to believe that we are less than perfect,
and illogical to imagine that we can be perfect. It is obvious that we cannot
place ourselves against that standard and hope to come out okay. So we must be
okay with being human, which allows for impurities, imperfections, and
lackings. After all, this is all part of each of us being different, and having
unique personalities.
There are other factors we must consider. Do we
excuse ourselves easily? Do we fail to internalize the information, or forget
about it, or ignore it? Do we do the opposite and punish ourselves excessively?
Awareness is the key. We must be more than our own judges. We must be
able to figure out what to do to take the new information that we discover
about ourselves, and build new character. We must change! Our thinking
must be along the lines of, "How can I repair or change some of the things I
did in the past? How do I take this new knowledge and do better the next time?
How can I be more like the person I want to be?"
If we do not change,
then the information is wasted, and serves no purpose. The one who learns the
most and makes the best of it is the one with the open mind; the one whose
self-imposed scrutiny is not paralyzing, but healing; the one who will take
action and correct his course, making the best of the lesson learned. Holding
ourselves accountable is a tricky thing. One author wrote that guilt is only
useful until it is realized. After that it serves no purpose. I believe the
underlying meaning is that guilt is an identifier. It identifies that one has
done something wrong. You can't change the past, and the effects of the past
are in motion. However it is sometimes within our power to initiate new
energies that will counteract what we have done, or allow us to choose not to
continue on down a bad path. We can redirect our course, and adjust the
steering of our vessel to a better heading. It may not fix the mistake, but we
can walk on with a new awareness that allows us to make better decisions the
next time, and take advantage of new things based on this awareness. And even
if we cannot fix the past, we can change how we conduct ourselves in the
future.
...a lot of information. To simplify what these last paragraphs
are suggesting, here are a series of concepts to consider:
*Take no
pride in being right.
*Admit when you are wrong.
*Acknowledge it openly
to those that matter.
*Decide the best course of action.
*Immediately
implement the action to correct what you can.
*Re-evaluate, and repeat if
necessary.
...One more thing - sometimes you have to just let it go. You
will notice that I did not include in that series of steps one that insists
that you punish yourself for some extended period of time.
...In this
last statement, "let it go," I don't mean forget it. Sometimes we must revisit
events in our minds to make sure we have evaluated them properly, and remember
the impact of things. Its' all about working the foundation of our personal
structure so that we are building character on solid ground. Without continuing
to make ourselves "pay" for past trespasses, we can use the memories of events
to fuel our reasoning, drive our efforts, and achieve our goals.
What
now? Let's work on our strengths. No one can tell us what we stand for.
No one knows what is in our hearts better than we do. No amount of criticism or
well-aimed defamation can change what we feel in our hearts. That is mine. That
is yours. It belongs to you and me. No one can take what is in your heart away
without your permission. Also, although we will be weak at some things, we will
be strong in others, and the best way to reap the benefits for ourselves and
those around us is to be the best at what we are good at.
In this we
discover and develop our self-images.... it is what and who we are.
In
discovering your true self, you must accept your faults as well as acknowledge
your strengths. This doesn't mean you can make excuses and ignore the things
that you can improve upon. It does mean that in all areas, strong and weak, you
do your best and continue to improve where you are able. You can choose to see
the good in people and in the world around you. You can make the decision to
enjoy life, regardless of how it compares to the person next to you. The
measurement of a man or a woman will no longer be their wealth or their fame -
it will be how they treat their fellow man, their loved ones, and
themselves.
Finding yourself is not as easy as these words you are
reading may imply. But it is essential that you try to do this more or less on
your own. For if anyone else is to be involved it will only cloud your judgment
and foil your plans for self-discovery. You must interact at some level with
others. And it is important to see how people react to you, for this is a
reflection of who you are, and the most common mirror that we see. But do not
take this as the whole picture. People are really good at believing that the
image they convey to others is the total self - it obviously is only a small
part of who you are. In the midst of all this self-evaluation, after we are
through believing the false image that we have tried to perpetuate without
success, we tend to get depressed, lose fight, and even hurt ourselves. But
once you are through punishing yourself, and after you are finished accepting
your humanity, you just may be closer to understanding who you are than ever
before. The closer the better. Because if your adventure guides you to
self-discovery, and self-realization, and self-awareness, and this promotes the
process of learning to become the person you want to be, then perhaps your
journey is closer to completion.
We all know that there are people with
money and without it who are miserable. We know that the states of wealth or
poverty do not determine ultimately if a person will be happy. Happiness is a
state of mind that one achieves through developing a view of life and their
relationship in it. This view comes after long looks at ourselves and others.
If we are successful in comprehending some truths inherent to our lives, we may
find a key to happiness. I am not talking about the temporary fun and jollies
that seem to tide us over until things go awry or get better. But the solid,
dependable joy of knowing that one stands for something important and
real.
What is this something? What is the key? It will be a little
different for every living being. In every case, it will involve the subtle
intricasies of values per person, ones defined by loving, struggling, enduring,
failing, and succeeding. It will be the appreciation with which a person
perceives his life after long, hard processes of development and analysis. Such
is life - a neverending process of learning and development.
What is the
key for me? It is love. The ability to feel it. The ability to share it. The
ability to give it in return. The ability to give it even if it is NOT
returned! The ability to keep loving even if you are denied the opportunity to
express it.
One of my most important needs is to be independent,
unshackled, and free. The definition of codependence in the dictionary is: "Of
or relating to a relationship in which one person is psychologically dependent
in an unhealthy way on someone who is addicted to a drug or self-destructive
behavior, such as chronic gambling." The example that is given of
self-destructive behavior is "chronic gambling." However there are so many
self-destructive behaviors, that this single example seems extremely
inadequate. I would say that loving for the wrong reasons is another category
that applies. Keeping someone around because they put up with you is an example
of this. Staying together because it is financially easier and less painful
than breaking up is another. Thinking that to be in any relationship, even a
bad one, is better than not being in one at all, is yet another. It seems to me
that almost every relationship has its aspect of codependence. But wanting to
be in a relationship is natural. Creating a relationship based on love, freely
given without attachments, although not an easy thing to do, will allow you an
opportunity to have the kind if relationship that does not tie you, or your
significant other, to each other based on inappropriate things, and unrealistic
expectations. Rather, you might experience love in a more true form -
supportive, sustaining, and significant.
Another of my important needs
is discerning who I love, not because I have some secondary reason or ulterior
motivation, but because I simply do. There is nothing wrong with loving people,
and you need not categorize, qualify, or quantify loving - except in one
important case: when determining the one special person with whom you will
spend your life with - then everything matters. With the consideration that you
intend to spend the rest of your life with someone, there are many things to
think about. You must love and/or appreciate almost everything about someone.
Why? Because everything you do not love and/or appreciate becomes something to
tolerate, compromise, and otherwise adjust to. Too many hard adjustments cause
even the best of relationships to have problems. You may learn to hate more
than love, and perpetuate the proverbial "love-hate" relationship. The issue of
happiness may become surrounded by arguments such as, "if only he would do
this," or "why can't she stop doing that?" Once acceptance is tainted with too
many things to tolerate, more than likely the relationship is doomed. There
must always be hope for change and growth. There must always be an effort to
find new ways to develop and succeed. And there must always be patience to
allow the growth to adjust our thinking, and feed the actions that will produce
new and different results in our efforts to create loving relationships. Your
relationship must always have the hope and expectation to get better, improve,
and become the ultimate vehicle for your soul - not in the years to come while
sitting on a porch looking back over the trials and tribulations that you
somehow got through without ending your partnership. But the love-filled,
eternally bonded union of souls that allows you to live now, feel the love now,
and perform at a higher level of efficiency in life based on that love.
Finding yourself sounds like a destination - Perhaps in some ways, it
is. But self-discovery never stops. The more you understand yourself, the
better you can display yourself to the world. Then when the right person comes
along, they just might see the real you - the person you want them to fall in
love with. Also, they will be better able to see you, and realize that you are
on a journey. And perhaps they are on one themselves that parallels yours.
Maybe they will be interested in making the journey in tandem, walking the same
course, and experiencing things both together and separately, bringing their
fruits of these experiences home to share in a soul-bonded
partnership.!
Loving for the right reasons is important. But also,
having realistic expectations is essential. This takes us to Principal
Number 2! Click the link below when you are ready to read
on.
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| Principle # 2 - Developing Realistic
Expectations. |
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