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The
Seven Principles
Two:
Developing Realistic
Expectations.
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I
am the chronic optimist. I am the incessant dreamer. I am the hopeless
romantic. There is inherently very little wrong with being these things, except
that they have potentially devastating repercussions. Among the greatest of
these are psychological and emotional blindness. Nothing wrong with your eyes,
and your sense of touch is all intact. However what you are thinking may be
completely out of sync with reality, or at least other people's realities. And
let's face it, especially with the ones you love, they must be at least
intersecting realities in order to live in the same world. How much they
overlap will determine a lot about potential compatibility, and romantic and
physical attractions. When these factors - optimism, dreams, and romance - are
a major part of your thinking, chances are you are going to imagine things,
pretend, disbelieve, misread, and generally ignore a lot of important clues
that could be giving you pertinent information. The vision of a beautiful woman
or a handsome man could alter your thinking for months before you realize
something about the person that you just can't stand. In the meantime, that
person has finally grown accustomed to you, your quirks, your odd tendencies,
and strange habits, only to find that you're not happy and that they are on
their way to the relationship dumpster.
I don't know if there is any way
around this procedure. However it would be nice to avoid some of the lesser
encounters in lieu of some that have more potential. Ideally, it would be nice
to avoid ALL encounters, other than the one that you are ultimately seeking.
That is, if you are truly seeking the one ultimate partner. Now, that being
said, what are the odds? Pretty slim, I suppose. So the focus of this section
of the Ten Principles centers on learning to be realistic after finding
yourself... or finding MOST of yourself. In the first section, "Finding
Yourself," I wrote about seeking your true self. I also made comments
concerning how difficult it is to do so, and that it will become an ongoing
process for the rest of your life. Part of my own dream is to find someone who
will join me on life's adventures - her's, mine, and our's. I believe that I
have found that person. However, life is a seemingly neverending series of
mishaps, successes, trials, surprises, ups and downs. That's why most wedding
vows include such conditions as, "...for better and for worse, for richer and
for poorer, in sickness and in health..." Dang! Hadn't thought of those things!
I guess you'd better really be in love before taking these kind of vows and
making the related commitments.
So what do you do? Take your time. Don't
rush it. Talk a lot. Don't give in so easily to the urge to commit. Enjoy the
interactions. At some point, if you are looking in the right circles, (and
maybe even if you aren't) you may come across someone who you find very
suitable for you. Notice how I said, "you may..." Life holds no guarantees.
Once again my personal opinion steps in to ruin the hopes of the masses. You
are definitely taking your chances out there! But guess what - looking for
happiness? Want to find your true love? Interested in living happily ever
after? You just might... but your odds are much better if you are actually
looking. Your odds improve if you are "being yourself." One of the benefits to
this is that the person or persons considering YOU as a potential partner will
see more of the real you, and perhaps be able to pass a better judgement as to
how you fit into their scheme of fulfillment. If they see other than the real
you and are attracted, the real you eventually comes out anyway. Why not show
the real you as you approach the plate, and not after reaching first base. That
is the person the other wants to meet. Not some facade that will eventually
fall away to reveal the person in earnest.
In the midst of all this
"being yourself" preaching, I am well aware that the purpose of flirting is to
attract and entice those around you for the purposes of personal play. So, by
definition, flirting and interacting on many levels in public, in chatrooms, at
the fitmess centers, nightclubs, etc., is simply a start at employing thinly
disguised impressions of your own self-image, what you hope people will see
when they look at you. How many people are their true selves when they are out
flirting around town? Perhaps some are. But inevitably most people end up
presenting "the self" in some form of a disguise. It has to do with "trying to
look your best!" The real person is masked, carefully hidden, so as not to
scare off a candidate before the possibilities of getting hooked are explored.
With this in mind, why am I bothering to preach that we should try to
be ourselves? Because for one thing, I believe that being flirtatious is not
necessarily a bad thing. It is colorful, and if you are capable, why not flirt
with potential candidates for couple-dom if they are within the right quadrant
of qualified attributes? For that matter, why not flirt with your significant
other even after you are a couple? What's wrong with seducing your sweetheart?
So the actions do not have to end. Flirting does not have to be temporary. I
mean, for those of you who already have someone special, isn't that how you
landed that person in the first place? Probably. Why should you change once you
have their attention and devotion? I believe that we should be dynamic. We
should be fun. We should be entertaining. Not just before we are together, but
always. BE that person, and stay that person... and if you have never been that
person, that's okay, but you just might consider adopting some of those more
colorful traits. Your potential sweetheart just might love you for
it!
...IF - if that is who you are! There is no reason you can't be that
fun, loving, tender, adventurous, dynamic person if you want to. But the less
acting you do, and the more real living you do, the better. Show the world your
true self. It will make its decision about you. But it can only judge upon what
you show it. If you are being unreal, either the world will know, or it will
take its time proving you wrong. You don't want to be "found out" in the middle
of a long relationship. Take my word for that. So my advice is to be true to
yourself, and honest to those you meet. That way, there is no false enticement
to get together, only to disappoint after you're face to face.
While
getting to know someone, expectations are high. The blinders are on. The input
filters are set on light. You want to believe everything you hear. Later on,
you will look back and say, "Ah... that is what he/she meant by that
statement... NOW, I know!" It takes time to define the words used to
communicate, and early on in all relationships, you should try to be
non-reactionary, meaning be careful not to judge and be slow to anger. People
often say things they don't exactly mean. They say things out of fear, anxiety,
anger, disgust, disappointment, pain... there are lots of motivators that are
unseen, hidden in the words you will hear. Take the time to understand where
someone is coming from. Don't be in a hurry. If you take this time, the words
will define themselves through the further actions and talks with that person.
If the person is who they say they are, they will continue to be. If they are
not, that will eventually come out. The true colors always show through. They
cannot be hidden forever. However, they can be hidden for some time. That is
why to be very sure, you must take as much time as you can to understand your
friend, and let them understand you too. If you are correct in your evaluation,
and the person seems sincere, loving, honest, colorful, dynamic, and whatever
other attributes you deem attractive, chances are they will continue to be
consistent with that evaluation, and that in itself will become more attractive
yet.
If you give the people in your life the advantage of your honesty,
they will be better friends than they could have been otherwise, and will at
least have your understanding to build upon. That is a safety zone that is not
always easy to achieve, and you will be in a position to grant that to them.
When you understand someone, you will less likely take offense when suddenly
they fail to hide from your scrutiny, and are "discovered." Hopefully the
person you discover will be someone you like, and perhaps you will find that
you have the chance to be more than just friends. Being human is a condition
that has many variables, and not any one of us knows them all. When considering
the psychological aspects of any individual, reality is always relative to that
person, and our view of him or her will never include ALL of the clues as to
who that person is under the veil of their projected image.
Here's the
wrap up - One must be reasonable about expectations, and treat each meeting
with respect. There is the possibility of great happiness, companionship,
congeniality, romance, adventure, excitement, and even ecstacy! Now, if you
look for the extreme stuff too soon, you just may find it. However you may also
find that the cost is quite high. And thinking back, you might consider it too
much to pay. Better to take it at a reasonable pace, and make sure each move
forward is warranted. You'll still get there if the potential is good, and you
will do it with care, understanding, common sense, and more of the things that
make good decisions work well for you.
Now, how many of you reading
this will start out taking your time in your next relationsip exploits? HARDLY
ANY! It's exciting to meet people, and when you are attracted to someone, you
will be especially blinded. Okay, I won't wait until afterwards and say, "I
told you so!" I WILL say now, "Be real! Show yourself. And understand that
there will be a time of discovery during which the person you are observing
will more than likely transform. There is just as likely the possibility that
you will change too, especially in the other's eyes. We must realize that the
person we are seeking will quite possibly evolve from the midst of individuals
we may not have originally thought of as candidates. The ones we thought were
good candidates may eliminate themselves one by one, with bad moves at the
worst times, exposing themselves even in the midst of effective disguises, and
unveiling the undercover agent in action. If we keep an open mind and
reasonable expectations, life will teach us a lot - that is, if we are really
living to the fullest! With the input of new experience, which is exactly what
a new relationship brings, we then may take new actions, causing a new set of
results. In effect, we all change. This takes us to Part 3 of the Seven
Principles of Relationship Building. Take a deep breath, stretch your legs and
your arms, use the bathroom, and come back. Then go to the next page. If you've
read this far, you are being exposed to some great stuff!
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| Principle # 3 - Everything Changes - Nothing Stays The
Same. |
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