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Cyrano's Ten
Principles
Five:
Being Mr. Right!
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A
standard conversation among single guys at a bar may lead to statements such
as, "Gotta find me a woman..." - as if any woman would do. What most guys
actually mean is they need to find someone they can be with, and plan a life
with. Yet it is trivialized as some simple condition that needs a bandaid to
feel better. Inevitably, it is given that, although on any given evening one
might not find the perfect woman, one will settle for the companionship of an
acceptable substitute for an evening or maybe two. There may even be a sincere
effort to try and discover the keys to unlocking the magic of a potential
relationship, even if there is no obvious one available at the time. In order
to be macho, many men make "having a woman" sound like a physical therapy
session that can be booked at the local night club. Yet inside, most of those
guys are probably dealing with all kinds of issues, like self-image... and
sub-issues, like cars, physiques, intellect, wealth, strength, and other lesser
categories that mold the image itself. Simply the impression of these things
without considering reality are enough to cause major malfunctions. Indeed, the
self-image becomes reality as we observe ourselves. So many men deal with new
relationships, not from a reality standpoint, but rather the questionable image
- "What does she think of me?" not realizing at the time that this is of no
real value. This line of thinking may even equate to little more than, "What
can I make her/him believe?" I am sure that this pertains to women AND men
both, to a major degree. Fewer people are concerned with representing what they
truly are, versus what they can make someone think they are. Salesmanship at
its best, wouldn't you say? It comes back to self-image, and most people do not
think they are enough to land the worthy partner.
...well, I am here to
tell each and every one of you that YOU ARE!
If we are honestly trying
to live in accordance with Cyrano's first four principles - Finding and Being
Yourself, Having Realistic Expectations, Adjusting Our Lives To Change, and
Being A Student Of Life, then perhaps we might be ready to try on this next
critical principle - Being Mr. Right. And even if you do not agree with the
principles, being honest with yourself and living your convictions is mandatory
if you want to find the partner of your dreams. After all, she should have the
opportunity to get to know the real you early on, don't you think? Being Mr.
Right is what this section is all about. Again, although I focus the writing on
this principle on men, it applies fairly well to everyone. In this I
acknowledge that men in particular have a difficult time doing the things I
suggest, and yet will benefit tremendously to opening up mind and heart to
these concepts.
What is "Being Mr. Right"? I guess this is a subjective
concept, at best. Everyone will have a little different idea of what and who
that is. We each have a set of beliefs that we live by, a code of ethics with
which we are comfortable, and find strength. This foundation upon which each of
us stands will not be the same for anyone else. There may be similarities, but
inevitably, we each will be different, unique, even if it is just in a matter
of minor degrees. It has to do with the fact that being individuals, our
realities, our values, and our purposes are unique, and relative to only one
person. Each of us will try to match these elements up with another who seems
to have compatible realities, values, and purposes. we might even think, "We
are so compatible!" But as time goes on, you will discover more of the places
that you are not so compatible and not so perfect, and therein will be defined
the differences in those elements, and the potential areas that will require
attention to keep a good functioning relationship. Communication becomes so
important as we try and convey our realities, values, and purposes to others,
and they learn what it is we mean by them, and we also learn to understand the
other person, too.
Differences are inevitable. So, we just live with
it? YES! But not without continuing on with our discoveries of ourselves and
our partners. Differences can be compensated for, compromised, adjusted,
changed, ignored, developed, respected... we don't have to let them be. But
understanding the differences will give us a good idea where we need to put our
efforts, so that these differences do not lead to misunderstandings that cannot
be dealt with. Things could get better or worse, depending on how we deal with
them, and what our attitudes are.
If we are truly students of truth,
seeking the answers to life's questions, and willing to take a good look at all
the information before us and give a fair examination and evaluation of what we
see, then we just might be ready to develop a mind set worthy of a good
relationship. Prior to this point in one's understanding and awareness, a
person will more than likely be too self-focused to place another person before
himself, and will not be able to keep another's best interests in the forefront
of his mind with consistency. A good relationship requires major commitment.
The communication cannot stop or be retarded. Being honest with yourself and
the other person is mandatory. Try NOT being honest, and see where that gets
you. Success in a relationship also requires a constant attitude of
forgiveness, because you're going to have problems and go through pain
together, and without the ability to forgive, you will not survive. Let me add
that your intentions may not be to hurt one another. But being human is a
curious thing, and unfortunately is the cause of the generation of
circumstances that can only be fixed by admitting, "I didn't mean it," or
"That's not what I was trying to do," or I didn't know," or "I wasn't
thinking..."; followed by, "Please forgive me..." And at some point, you have
to forgive, or the relationship starts to die. If you hang on to enough things
that cannot be forgiven, you really don't stand a chance. The unforgiveables
become a cancerous growth that eats away at the relationship, and dismantles
the foundation upon which it is built.
Let's talk about this concept of
forgiveness for a moment. Forgiveness sounds like a major move by one
participant in a relationship regarding the other participant. Guess what?
That's only half of it! Forgiveness requires something from each participant.
First of all, one is asking for forgiveness. This person must be worthy of
being forgiven. Being forgiven can feel like being granted a new lease on life.
There is such great relief, a few tears, and finally you can breathe easy
again. But if being forgiven is only a temporary condition to be shattered by
your next trespass of that for which you were forgiven, then you never were
worthy of forgiveness in the first place, were you? Hence, real remorse is
necessary. We who are guilty must not take this lightly, and at some point
we are all guilty. Nobody's perfect, and you will miss something sometime,
and are bound to make mistakes. Furthermore, we who forgive also have a grave
responsibility. By forgiving, we declare a clean slate, a new start, and an
opportunity to have things back the way they were BEFORE the discovered
trespass. If you cannot let go of the elements that hurt, and seek healing,
forgiveness is really not possible, in spite of what you say. "I forgive you,"
are just words, unless a deeper meaning is attached to them. And for
relationship purposes, deeper meaning is fundamental. So the person asking for
forgiveness must be serious in the request, willing to make adjustments,
compromises, sacrifices - whatever it takes to fall in line with a partners
wishes. And the forgiver needs to know that this sincerety is real, and then
show the same sincerety when forgiving, and truly mean it.
Now, back to
"Being Mr. Right."
How can a man BE Mr. Right? It takes a lot of work.
However if one really IS Mr. Right, none of it will seem like work! I will
embellish this concept more as we go. But first, let's talk about what is
necessary before you stand a chance of being this wonderful guy for someone.
Also, I would like to clarify that "Being Ms. Right" is just as important. For
the purposes of this dissertation, I focus on men because I am one, and know
firsthand that men commonly have a few pieces to this puzzle missing. However
the clues I hope to share are applicable to both genders, and are not exclusive
to men.
We have already established that we are students. If you
started with Cyrano's Ten Principles, and have read each one previous to
Principle #5, then you are probably already working on Finding Yourself, Being
Realistic, Being In-Tune with Change, and Being a Better Student AND perhaps a
Better Teacher. Thus, it follows that if you are seeking a good relationship
with someone, you just might find a good starting point, and possibly even take
the initial relationship to some new level that holds the promises of caring,
loving, and fulfillment. But notice that the heading of this section is not
Fulfillment, or Two Lovers, or Relating To Each Other. It is "Being Mr. Right."
My point is that in "Being Mr. Right," one must establish a consciousness that
is more advanced BEFORE THE RELATIONSHIP BEGINS! That is, BEFORE YOU
MEET YOUR SOUL MATE! Than means, more than likely, before you meet that
special someone you must already have an attitude of loving.
For one
thing, many people would agree that you cannot love someone else MORE than you
love yourself. It is one of those interesting equations of life. The corrollary
basically implies that one is not capable of giving more love than one can give
to oneself. If a person does not love himself, it disqualifies the love he
might give to another, because if he believes he is not worthy of love, then
what value is the love he gives? The answer is, no greater or less than that
which he is capable of giving to himself. Now you are being given a good reason
for starting on "Finding Yourself" before we got to this! You must consider
yourself worth loving to a great degree before you can give great love. Funny
how that works. In that respect, hopefully your search for yourself reveals
that you are an okay person, and that you feel good about who you are. Then as
your self-image grows, you find yourself more capable of receiving and giving
greater love. Please note again that I address guys here, but this applies to
everyone.
The word "Being" for the purposes of this writing means,
"state of existence." So this implies that "Being Mr. Right" is a condition
that we can have and develop prior to meeting our future significant other.
Hmmm... "significant other" ... I am not sure I like that description. Let's
say "Soul Mate," instead! Well, maybe that is a bit presumptuous... But it is
our goal to find our soulmates, or it is my belief that it should be. The idea
is that there is a special person for everyone, and if we are "Being Mr.
Right," she is going to notice! Enough of that - you get my meaning. The main
thing is that one has to be willing to be "right" before the qualifications
checklist is applied.
Now how do you do that? That's a tall order! How
do you know what your potential "Soul Mate" is thinking? How can you answer
unasked questions? How do you know what she wants BEFORE meeting?
YOU
CAN'T!
But you can be willing to discover. You can be open minded. You
can be flexible. You can be giving. You can BE MR. RIGHT! I know, this is an
elusive concept. But if you are being true to yourself, and are willing to
discover people, you will figure out what is important to others, and in that
way you will find that someone whose values are akin to yours, and whose needs
are things that you not only can, but are willing to support. Notice that I
said, "support." I didn't say give them a million dollars. Some of us cannot do
that sort of thing, and it wouldn't necessarily make either of you happy if you
did. However, we can be supportive, and sympathetic, and caring. Usually people
are not asking for riches when seeking companionship. They seek meaning,
understanding, and love. Those things we can usually give regardless of our
other conditions. But we must be willing.
Although we won't know all
the problems, human and otherwise, that our potential mates will be encumbered
by, we can be willing to learn, listen, and discover what they need. Instead of
"I can fix that," maybe all you can say in your particular situation is,"I
understand... Let me be with you through this." Maybe there are sensitivities
that delay possibilities of a fast developing relationship. Then Mr. Right
might have to say, "Let's take this slowly. We have plenty of time." The idea
is that whatever the need is, Mr. Right must be willing to provide the support
that helps.
Now maybe we are just outlining the factors that make
people nice. That could be. However it goes deeper than that. If you are trying
to find your soul mate, that is more than just looking for a cool friendship.
This is the person you seek of which there is only one. No one else will do.
So, don't settle. Keep searching. And above all else, start yesterday to "Be
Mr. Right," so that when she comes along, she will not mistake you for someone
who cares, but not enough; or thinks, but doesn't think things through; or
loves, but not completely. When Ms. Right comes along, she will know you
immediately, and there will be no question as to whether you should start
getting to know each other right now!
Now let's get more specific.
How do you think a woman wishes to be treated? Don't know? Remind me to
have a section of this website dedicated to inviting women to tell us guys the
definitive answers to that question and others. In the meantime, consider a few
things. There are books dedicated to showing the differences in men's attitudes
versus women's attitudes. Ones like, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus."
Whether you get the idea the title of this book implies or not, you should
realize that men and women ARE DIFFERENT. The Amazon.Com description of
the afore-mentioned book includes the following statement: "A Practical Guide
for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in Your Relationships."
Okay, I'm down with the practicality of improving communications. However, I
take issue with the rest of the statement: "...and getting what you want in
your relationships." It occurs to me that this statement by itself is on the
selfish side. It needs a counterbalance. What about what the other person
wants? I will admit that I have not read John Gray's book, as of yet. My plan
is to do so, and soon. But reading that caption for promoting the book, the
reader might be inclined to believe that some very good clues will be coming
forthwith in the reading of the book that will allow the reader to acquire some
new tools with which to manipulate the other person in their relationship, and
"GET WHAT YOU WANT!" I need to find out how true this is. In the meantime, I
promote a different idea. Find out what the needs are of the other person in
your relationship, and make it a primary goal to find out how you can help them
achieve fulfillment of these needs. Now, I didn't say, "Forget your own
needs..." You should be well aware of these things already. Just educate
yourself to HER needs, so that in achieving the fulfillment of yours, you don't
miss out on helping her achieve hers, or worse, ignore her needs completely.
Being Mr. Right does not mean "having all the answers." It does mean
one must be willing to listen, learn, and give.
Now let's say that
you find your soul mate. This awesome, one-of-a-kind, amazing person steps into
your life, seemingly out of nowhere, and suddenly you forsee an opportunity for
dreams to come true. What is this worth to you? What is having your dream girl
worth? (or dream woman, for those of you who might take offense at the
implication that "girl" might imply something inappropriate. To me, I use the
term loosely, and the woman in my life IS MY GIRL... yet she is beyond the
common age of a female who would technically be considered a girl. So let's
give me a break on that one. Okay? Thanks! Back to the issue:) What is having
your soul mate worth? Isn't it worth everything? Those of you who have had
difficult relationships with harsh breakups and costly disconnects may not
think so. I can only speak for myself. But even if you are not like me and
would say that the value is not the greatest, it should be extremely high
indeed, and beyond your personal question marks, there should be major
exclamations signifying that the value is way up there, and finding your soul
mate is worth a great deal. One needs to consider that prior to meeting the
right woman, a guy has a hard time in life, possibly feeling alone, rejected,
incomplete, incompetent, and maybe unloved. Once a man find this woman and is
blessed with a relationship that brings happiness to both individuals, there is
a transformation that takes place, changing values, attitudes, and actions. A
man might reverse many of these negative feelings and become more fulfilled, no
longer feeling alone or rejected, and dwelling in a state of love. Hence, when
the actions change, there is a whole new set of results that are achieved that
could affect both lives in a positive fashion. YOUR WORLD CHANGES!
Then
in Being Mr. Right, one must be ready and willing to give the deepest love and
attention to another. One must be capable of considering the welfare of the
other first, before oneself. One must be capable of committing to support the
other person in all ways. One must consider the needs, wishes, and dreams of
the other, and make them his own. And if you have found your soul mate, you
will find these things easy to do. If they are hard, KEEP LOOKING! ...because
it is doubtful that you have actually found your soul mate. And if necessary,
go back to the first four principles, read them again, and email me with your
questions. We will get you some serious help. Or we will send you on your way,
ban you from this site, and consider you hopeless as an evolutionary lover.
Because if you cannot do these things, the special woman you might meet really
deserves much, much more than you have to give. Let's hope that you can achieve
an understanding that makes you want to Be Mr. Right. It really is not that
tall an order. And if you are understanding these principles, one through five,
then you won't have such a problem being that guy after all!
Remember
one more thing: Maybe you really have not found your soul mate as of yet. You
must believe that she is there! Somewhere! She is waiting for you! Remember
that when the Student is ready, the Master appears. This also could equate to
the concept that when you are ready to receive your soul mate, she will appear
before you! The point is, Be Ready! BE MR. RIGHT! ... and learn to be Mr.
Right, BEFORE you have the relationship. Usually trying to be Mr. Right even
AFTER you start the relationship is a good thing, but possibly a little late in
the process, making the relationship suffer more in its growth. Remember also
that all relationships need to have participants willing to forgive, and not
hold the factor of being human against each other. Remember also that how much
we are willing to give towards someone and the building of the relationship
will determine our odds for success. So now we progress on to our next
Principle - The Silent Gift: True Giving. Click the link below, and read
on. Oh, and congratulations! If you are still reading, I do believe that you
are learning some very important things, or at least receiving confirmation of
some beliefs that you may already have. The main thing is that you are willing
to learn something, and perhaps you will find these words inspirational in
trying to put some different and more productive ideas to work in your own
relationships.
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| Principle # 6 - The Silent Gift: True
Giving |
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