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Cyrano's Ten
Principles
Six:
The Silent Gift: True
Giving!
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There are parables and stories about giving. Without
retelling the enumerous stories that you may have heard, I will deal with this
subject directly, for I consider it to be simple and very
clear...
Most giving is a trade, not a gift. "So, that's
puzzling..." - I can hear you thinking! So, when is a gift not giving? The
giving of a gift is not true giving if there is any thinking or emotion
attached to it that requires some kind of reciprocation, acknowledgement, or
payment. It also is not giving if the only intellectual or emotional connection
to the gift is that "Now we're even..." or "I guess I owe you that..." or "Now
you owe me..." or anything that seems like the giving is a credit or debit of
some sort. This is not to say that reciprocal giving is NOT true giving.
Requiring the element of reciprocity is trading. Friends and family give to
each other all the time, and that is reciprocal... but usually no one is
keeping score! If they are, it's not a gift. It very well may be a nice
gesture, or a good deal, or a mutual opportunity, or something based on a
strategic alliance. And there isn't anything wrong with these relationships.
But any way you look at it, it ceases to qualify as a gift if anything like
these ideas apply. Hence, if they DO apply, it was a trade... and trading is
NOT giving!
So let's take a good look at giving and gifts, since
that is what this section is all about. Much of our existence is based on
subsistence. We need a job, food, and a roof over our heads. For some, these
things may come very easily. Even if they do, there will still be other factors
that figure into our lives, causing wants, longings, wishes, and dreams. As
long as there are these things to strive for or seek, there will be needs to be
fulfilled, some essential, and some non- or less essential. Fulfillment may
come in various ways and from various sources. Ultimately, in today's society,
most of them will come from or through other people. When they come from or
through other people, their values in most cases will be negotiable. Hence,
there is a major market for trading for these needs.
Beyond the basic
needs and fulfillment concepts, after we achieve the level of success that
allows us extracurricular activities and luxuries, we still have wants. A
millionaire might have all the essentials plus a vast array of non-essentials,
and still want things. Whether a person is rich or poor, the common needs and
wants will have to do with happiness. "If only I could afford to eat better
food..."; "If only I could buy a new car..."; "I wish I could find a
girlfriend..." The possibilities concerning needs are endless. But they are not
solely based on primitive requirements to survive. They are based on each
individuals physical, emotional and psychological states of being. If for any
reason a person is not totally secure in any of these areas, there will be
needs.
To understand giving, we must understand needs. Not too
many people give to others without considering the recipient's needs. It is so
much more practical to give something that another can actually put to use, and
possibly fill a need, than to give randomly. The greater the need, the greater
the gift, generally speaking. However this is not always true. Let's consider
this concept...
One man gives his daughter a new car - it's a Porche -
for high school graduation, worth about 80 grand. Another man gives his friend
a pair of box seat tickets to next week's Angels game worth about a hundred
dollars. Seats were sold out, but these tickets went to a father and his child.
The child is a young boy with cancer, who placed his last request with the Make
A Wish Foundation to go to a big league ballgame. Hmmm... which gift is
greater? This is subjective, of course. But so many of you would value the
tickets more and say that relatively speaking, the kid's last wish fulfilled
was the greater of the two. However, if you were the recipient of the Porche,
it might be hard to think of it that way... well rightfully so! I suppose I
will not get into analyzing whether giving an expensive car to high school grad
is a good idea or not. But some people are blinded by wealth and expensive
possessions. Let's just say that here we see the controversy of dollars and
cents versus life and dreams.
My purpose for drawing this analogy is to
show that needs have different levels and values. Depending on the people
involved, the same solution to a problem may have very different values.
Inevitably, the idea is that we ALL have needs. They may be based on survival,
or they may be whims, or something in between. But as long as people want or
need things, there will be opportunities to selectively give. And even random
giving is legitimate giving however much less thought or care goes into the
process, regardless of the impact of the gift. And the act of giving could have
little or no impact, or lifelong and life-changing effects.
In the realm
of giving, I want to focus on giving with the attitude of love. Why? For one
thing, when giving with the attitude of love, more thought is usually going
into the gift. Whether there is a survivalistic need, or just a greedy wish for
luxurious fluff, giving with love usually means that the giver WANTS to give,
and is not giving because of some kind of requirement, payback, indebtedness,
or leverage. In other words, the giver does not want or need something in
return. Furthermore, when considering relationships, all giving must be done
with the attitude of love. If you can't do that, then you have found the limits
of your love, and limited love is not something to be associated with the love
of your life, your ultimate partner, your soulmate. For your special
life-partner, you must be willing to give your "all." You must be willing to
share everything. You must be willing to give your life. If this statement
divides me from the readers, well then so be it. Then you must judge for
yourselves how much you are willing to give, and what the value of having your
soulmate really is. If there is a question of "measurement" going on, the value
is too low, and you have not considered how much change for the better the
factor of having a relationship with your soulmate will institute in your life.
Also, when you get done measuring, you will also know the limited value of your
gift, and the fact that it probably isn't a gift at all, but a trade, a credit,
or a payment.
If I haven't lost you yet, then we can proceed with the
idea of the true giving. Now we are thinking in terms of giving with the
attitude of love, and without the need for anything in return. Why is this so
important? Because there is an art to giving. It is my belief that there is
much to benefit from learning this lesson. The true gift is the one that is
given freely to benefit someone else, without the need to be recognized by the
masses, or even by the recipient. No payment is necessary, and there is no
debiting or crediting involved - it's FREE!
So what do you give?
ANYTHING! It may be money or things, but it does not have to be. A person's
needs go beyond the material. So often what a human being needs is simply some
attention - a hug, a kiss, a handshake... even a look of
appreciation.
Fill in the blank:
I am going to give
_____________ to _____________.
Obviously, the second blank is the
recipient. But the first blank, what goes there? ANYTHING! It could be money,
it could be things... But it could be a backrub or a foot massage... it could
be an email, or a card... it could be a ride to the store, or a walk in the
park... it could be a hug, or even a smile. We have already established that
monetary expense does not determine the value. Timing and need have a lot to do
with it. So let's consider that the human needs are diverse enough that we can
give to someone without feeling as though we must conquer all of the problems
that this person may have. Let's believe that we can affect someone's life
considerably with a hug or a kiss. Now it simply remains to be determined, What
are you willing to do for this person?
...What if this person is your
soulmate? ANYTHING! Right? If this is the case, then let's imagine that you
don't necessarily have the money or assets to solve all the human problems that
your soulmate might have. What can you do? You can listen... you can
sympathize... you can have some compassion... you might have some good
advice... you might ease the pain of your partner's feet with a tender
massage... you could find that spot in her back that always seems to trigger
the pain that goes up the neck and causes so much anguish... you could spend
time... Doing some very simple things could ease the pressures in someone's
life enough that life takes a small turn for the better. A little less anxiety
or pain... and a little more joy. That's a nice trade-off. Of course, a lot
less pain and an overwhelming amount of joy would be superb! But any degree of
progress for the better is good. If you are giving a foot massage to your
sweetheart it's impossible for her not to know that it is you. But at the same
time, you are not standing on the corner shouting to the world how wonderful
you are for doing something for a loved one... Then it's no longer a gift,
right? But she knows it's a gift, and it will be appreciated - believe me!
Want to shower your sweetheart with gifts? Take care of her. Get
to know how she likes her feet massaged. Take the time to find that spot in her
back that is the source of so much pain and soreness. (By the way, there is
probably one just like it on the other side!) Take a walk with her, and talk
about why you love her so much. Spend a few moments each day just looking into
her eyes, and let that be enough. Make a list of the things SHE is trying to
accomplish, and see how many of them you can help her with or take care of for
her. Send her an email every day, greeting her in the morning. Even if she
won't get to read it until later, she will know you were thinking about her.
Send her another at night, even if she's in the other room asleep... the next
day when you go to work, she will read it, and know that the night before you
were not so caught up in work that she never entered your mind. Bring flowers -
but not necessarily on a birthday or holiday or anniversary. Those are good
times to do it, but some of the best times are ANY OTHER DAY! Figure out
her favorite treat, like which See's candy she likes most, and buy her a two
dollar bag of them. You'll think you bought her a two pound box! Sing her a
song, even if you can't sing very well. Make sure that the words are right. The
main thing is that you had the guts to get up in front of her and do
it!
Now these are all great ideas. And although they are essentials, we
now take the step beyond. The true gift, perhaps we now understand. What is the
step beyond?
...doing things for another when they don't even know it
was you!
It's fairly easy to give to someone when you know that
they will know immediately that you were the one who gave and will treat you
with smiles and hugs and thank yous... and perhaps more. But if you are giving
even for this response, then there is something missing from your ultimate
giving that keeps it from being the silent gift.
What in the
world could be the benefit of a silent gift?
...well for one thing,
another person benefits. That should be enough. There are some other real human
benefits. For one thing, if you believe that what you think, say and do has
some effect in the universe, then you are sending out some positive vibes. We
cover this more later on in Cyrano's Ten Principles. If you pray, then you
believe this. Otherwise, there is no reason to pray. If you meditate, then you
believe this. Meditation brings enlightenment that you seemingly extract out of
the ether by adjusting your thoughts and tuning your spiritual self. It also
involves clearing one's mind, or emptying one's mind in order to let the
essence of truth be realized. If your thinking develops a new idea, then you
have absorbed some energy from the universe that was not within you before you
started meditating, or some small particle of truth that was already within you
was made clear, and drawn to the forefront of your consciousness. Thought is
energy. Ever read someone's mind? Ever say something the same time as someone
else? Ever finish a sentence for someone else? Maybe there is more to it than
coincidence. Maybe not... but do you know for sure? You can think anything you
want... but do you have proof? We must keep an open mind until we have reasons
to believe or disbelieve. And even when we have reasons sometimes a conclusion
will be premature.
Consider this: What if you never tell that
special someone that you fixed that broken hinge on her fence? What if you took
out the garbage without being asked? What if suddenly she realized that the
light switch in the kitchen wasn't acting wierd anymore? What if she came home
from work and the towels were washed and folded? What if ...what if.... what
if... Could I go on? Of course. But the idea is not to fill you full of guilt
naming all the things you KNOW you were supposed to do or could have done. Nor
is it to make you sorry you didn't take care of all your household "honey-do's"
last month. The idea is to IMPROVE HER LIFE! Stop thinking about how
much of a nuisance it is to do these things, and take care of business, a
little at a time, and consistently. Because everything you do will improve her
life. Everything you DON'T do will keep her down.
Now imagine:
You didn't tell her about the hinge... or the garbage... or the light switch...
etc... Guess what - who do you think she will imagine did those things?
YOU!!!!!! Now be careful! If you fall back into the trap of doing things for
recognition or payback, they are no longer gifts. We need to focus on the
concept of gift giving. In these cases I am not talking about things, but
actions. These are actions, based on an attitude of love, and directed at
improving the conditions of life for another, and fulfilling at least some of
this person's needs. These are not objects of trade! They are gifts, and
should be given freely, without attachments or expectations.
Can you do
this? Hmmm... I guess so... Feeling weak about your commitment? Here is a bit
of encouragement. GIVE! It does come back to you tenfold... but not if
it isn't truly a gift. If it isn't a gift, there will be nothing coming back,
unless it is in trade. Maybe you will get something and think it was because of
your giving, but believe me, it was not - it was a trade or it was an accident.
It could have been for some other reason, or perhaps someone was actually
giving to you a gift. But you will never get the benefit of the tenfold return
until you learn how to Give the Silent Gift! It's not that hard, really.
Your heart just has to be in it. You have to truly love the person you are
giving to - even if it is brotherly love. If it is to your soulmate -
GIVE - She's worth it!
If you are able to grasp this concept and
start giving the Silent Gift, The interesting thing is that your
personal rewards may not be all that silent. I won't make you promises about
the benefits of true giving, but I believe that they are great. If nothing
else, you will have my respect, except that I may never know you. But if I
could, I would shake your hand, and with genuine respect I would say,
"Congratulations! It is an honor to meet you." However I do have some feelings
about what you might expect for yourself. If you try these things and they
work, I'd love to hear from you. Here are some things that could happen as a
result:
You will be happier. People will be happier around you. Your
loved ones will be happier. Your soulmate will be happier, and will be giving
to you things that you never imagined. You will be more peaceful. You will be
more fulfilled. Your lives will transform. You will become more productive and
effective. You will gain insight. You will become more intuitive.
...and everybody wins! So what are you waiting for?
Now that
we are thinking on a higher plane, and giving is a little less of a
controversial issue, let's talk about more specific giving that will enhance
your relationship. You have heard about the concept of people being either
"takers" or "givers," right? Well, there is probably something to combining
takers and givers. Some people feel that there is some good reason to put a
taker with a giver, and somehow the stream of giving finds a balance. There is
a chance that this is true. However I would contest this theory to my dying
day. I believe that the taker will continue to take, and that the giver will
burn out. One can only give just so long without being fed. But why be a taker?
If you are a taker, it means that you believe that the world and its people owe
you something more than you are getting. What a crock of manure that is! Stop
being a victim of senseless and unreasonable thinking, and just decide to learn
how to be a giver. I am not sure how easy that will be for some of you. But I
do know that anyone can change. And if you ARE a taker, YOU NEED To
CHANGE!
Here is your new mission: Stop trying to discover how to
find the perfect woman. You are already inclined to trying to Be Mr Right -
right? If this is true, then you are ready to make the new discoveries that
will change your attitude forever, and your new actions will endear you to the
woman of your dreams, your soulmate, and you will be on your way to developing
the greatest relationship with a woman that life has to offer you... even if
you haven't met her yet!
Good luck! Take a break, then click the link
below.
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| Principle # 7 - The Way To A Woman's
Heart |
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