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Cyrano's Ten
Principles
Eight:
Keeping Love Alive - Real
Living!
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If
you have absorbed some of the principles you have read so far, you could be
ready to write this section for yourself. You will understand why I say this
shortly.
...and you ask, "As to the question of 'how to keep love
alive,' you're saying that you don't have a concrete answer for me, right?"
Well, in a way, Yes.
Here is the dilemma: I am not there in your
relationship - YOU ARE! You are the closest person to the problem, and the
closest person to the solution. Throughout this section you must remember that
the ideas herein are put forth in order to get YOU THINKING about YOUR
RELATIONSHIP.
What is the problem? How to continue building and
maintaining a strong, healthy, and loving relationship that doesn't lose its
luster after some period of time.
What is the solution? I have no
idea... But you will! Remember what I just said - you are the closest person to
the problem, and the closest person to the solution. Now here is how you can
start to figure it out:
What is it that originally got the attention
of your sweetheart? Why do you think she liked you from the start? What are
the things you did that impressed her and got her attention? What are the
personal attributes that you possess that made her want to go out with you,
fall in love with you, and decide to spend the rest of her life with you? Make
a list if you have to. Can't think of anything? Try again - believe me, there
had to be something. More than likely there were many things she liked and
loved, and these things caused her to take the chance of being with you and
devoting a significant part of her life to your relationship. Also, there is an
almost 100% chance that these things that she liked MADE HER FEEL A CERTAIN,
SPECIAL WAY. She felt good about herself in this state of thinking, and
that's why she appreciated these things in you.
Now, here is an
indication that things are not what they used to be, and you are either losing
ground or she has lost interest - it's the syndrome that Barbara Streisand and
Neil Diamond sang about - "You don't bring me flowers anymore."
Apparently you did at one time. Understand that we may not actually be talking
about flowers. It might be candy, It might be pizza... It might just be the way
you looked at her, or the things you used to say. Now this has stopped or
changed. What she liked and loved about you is now non-existent, or
significantly diminished. For any woman, and perhaps any person, this
translates into "You don't care anymore..." or "You don't love me anymore..."
What happened?
One must remember that after a relationship is begun that
there are several natural dynamics that can cause the relationship to change.
You may discover innumerous things that are incompatibilities, and the problems
with this are obvious. Some of the things that you discover will not be
negative, but rather good things - contentment, satisfaction, comfort,
companionship, and other fulfilling things. Even if it is temporary, these good
feelings, or a combination of some of them, cause a settling effect, and
sometimes people are willing to accept the conditions of a relationship even
though some of them are not perfect. Getting lazy in a relationship can be as
negative as discovering incompatibilities, even though it won't seem as though
this is the case initially. I suppose that there are imperfections in all
relationships. However the goal must be to seek and find compatibility and
balance, so that the imperfections are manageable, and are outweighed by the
positive attributes of the relationship. This also fortifies the relationship
against problems that will occur as a matter of living, things that are
unavoidable, and not necessarily the fault of either person.
Chances
are that your relationship went as so many others have - with the establishment
of a routine, the newness and freshness went away. The novelty of what you
brought into her life that she liked and loved suddenly was no longer there.
Maybe after getting together and agreeing to be a couple you decided that you
didn't have to do those things any more. Let's try to understand that the
attraction to you was because of something you did or said, or something that
you were, a part of your character, and that attraction has the ability to
change with your own consciousness. If suddenly you find yourself contented,
your consciousness has changed, and something inside you may trigger a feeling
that you no longer have to seek out someone for companionship, or fun, or
common interests. It will feel as though you have achieved what you were trying
to achieve, and that part of your job is now done and over with.
Goal
achieved, right? WRONG!
Finding the woman of your dreams should
be the result of several things which are all part of a process. The process
starts with the earlier "Principles," such as finding yourself, developing
reasonable expectations, becoming a student, etc. These adjustments in thinking
lead you to understanding more about yourself, and provide you with tools to
learn how to "Be Mr. Right." You also learn more about giving and the "way to a
woman's heart." If you have discovered values in these things and the
principles are working for you and beginning to change the way you look at
life, then you are also re-evaluating your life, adjusting your values, and you
are probably changing how you do things. Chances are, if you really have tapped
into the first seven principles, that you won't need much encouragement in the
area of keeping love alive. Inherently, you already know, and by instinct are
probably instituting changes in the way you treat your life and loved ones.
This really is the whole point - YOU ARE TAKING ACTIONS TO GET BETTER
RESULTS IN YOUR LIFE. You must remember this when thinking about your
relationship. It isn't simply that you will get out of a relationship what you
put into it. If you stop or significantly slow down putting into the
relationship, it will start to die. Working on a relationship is much like
blowing wind into the sails of a toy boat. A moving boat is a working
relationship. In order to get the boat to move through the water, there must be
a draft. You making an effort to fill the sails and propel the boat forward is
much like investing time and energy into your life experiences. Remember that
life is a constant movement of energy, and that absolutely NOTHING STAYS THE
SAME. Your actions in your relationship must be geared toward change,
development, and creating the breeze that will fill the sails of progress.
Stagnation is the same as dying. You can allow no negativity or doubt to take
hold. If you want to give your relationship the best chance possible, you must
strive to give your mate the most confidence in the relationship itself, and
that requires a constant treatment, a consistency that is reliable, and
consideration regarding the simple factor that neutrality is the same as death
in the relationship. Therefore, evidence of your love must be ongoing and
regular. It must be dependable. If it is not, you will allow the possibility of
doubt to gain foothold, and that is the cancer that will eat away at the hull
of your ship, and it will sink if you don't find a way to patch the holes.
Reassurance in the relationship is the only way to keep it solid. Your mate
must see, feel, and believe that you are constantly working to fill her sails
with loving thoughts and actions.
Hugs, kisses, smiles, caresses,
hand-holding - these are some of the things that feed a relationship. Cards and
letters, emails, flowers... all these things are good. But let's think a little
deeper...
Take a moment in the middle of the day to call for no
reason.
Email your lady just because you were thinking about her...
Think
of things that SHE needs to accomplish, and ask her if you can help...
Plan
a date real soon - even if it is for a cup of coffee...This is where your
imagination must come in. You don't have to have a lot of money. You don't need
the most expensive car. If you DO need these things to sustain your
relationship, I would strongly advise you to reconsider what it is you have,
and also what you want in that relationship. It might be exactly what you are
getting... but I doubt it.
Let's take the "visual" to the next level.
You find a woman that is amazing, and a courtship follows. At some point early
on with all relationships, physical attraction must be apparent. At another
point, you each will provide messages in some form to each other giving a sort
of permission to proceed to new levels of intimacy. This could happen on a
first date, or it could be weeks or months... less likely weeks, and almost
never, months. When the attraction is there, coupled by natural instincts that
both men and women have (albeit that some of those needs differ between men and
women) inevitably you will end up giving in to the attraction. Although many
people call this action "sleeping together," you, the reader, and I both know
that sleep is not exclusively what is going on, even if it is a major part of
the good, and certainly NOT the subject of this composition. When this kind of
intimacy is achieved, there is, of course, a major amount of exhilaration
involved, and a feeling of accomplishment, sharing, conquest, elation, and
other emotions that are totally natural to human beings. You will also feel
fulfillment to some degree. You might feel disappointment. But lets assume that
lovemaking was wonderful, and it set a trend for more events of the same
nature.
THIS IS THE POINT AT WHICH CHANGE CAN BE
DEVASTATING!
What change? Consider one of the most common
myths/non-myths that movies and books have described for as long as stories
have been told:
Two people find themselves in the privacy of a room
somewhere, and become intimate; they make love, and before the woman is even
satified, the guy has his special moment, moves away from his lady, uncaring as
to what she is thinking or doing, sprawls onto his back, and falls immediately
to sleep!
Been there, done that? Seen it in the shows? Read about it? Of
course. But is this a practical way to handle the loving interaction between
you and your sweetheart? NO!
Herein lies the syndrome that
defines the death of most relationships. If a man does not care enough about a
woman to make sure that her needs are met, then the sort of scenario described
above is one that he will have with woman after woman (if he is that lucky)
until one decides that she would keep this idiot even if she is NEVER
FULFILLED, BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE BETTER THAN BEING ALONE. I put it in these
terms because many women and many men fear being alone. They would rather be
with someone who won't leave, even if the relationship is not fulfilling in key
aspects, sexual fulfillment being one of them. This is not mentioning the many
other ways people need to be fulfilled, nurtured, and cared for.
We
cannot build a good relationship, guys, thinking about the woman we love in
those terms. If you are in tune with the other Cyrano Principles, you are
thinking, "Well, of course not! I am not that shallow!" Good deal.
Now
let's refine the concept a bit. Falling asleep after making love the way it was
described above, one pitiful event by the way, is symptomatic of many other
things that men do that cause a woman to experience lack of fulfillment. I am
not talking exclusively about sexual fulfillment, either. Sex might be awesome,
and a woman could still be unfulfilled. As a matter of fact, I almost guarantee
that it is not enough.
Guys think in terms of black-and-white. Women
think in technicolor. Men want simple words, like "I love you!" Women want,
"Baby, you make me feel like a million bucks, but more than that, you LOOK like
a mission bucks!" This is not completely accurate. The words "I love you," may
not be so drab and common in your relationship that they mean nothing more than
a casual greeting, like "Aloha!" This depends on the couple. However, as time
goes on, "I love you," will lose some luster, and just through overuse, will
start to become traditional and routine, and lose some of its value. On the
other hand, if the relationship is thriving, "I love you," could be quite
enough, said at perfect times, with a meaning so deep that only the giver and
the recipient of that statement will know what is actually being
expressed.
Unless the definition is enhanced with the right actions
on a regular basis that give the words more meaning, it will become the drab
routine that you are trying to avoid... or should be!.
So here is the formula, the
secret that you have been waiting for, the clue that will enhance your
experience to keep your love alive:
MAKE HER FEEL!
Make
her feel special...
Make her feel wanted...
Make her feel
needed...
Make her feel beautiful...
Make her feel loved!
Now to
clarify a bit, technically, no one can actually "MAKE" another person feel
these things. However, one can provide the enhancements to a relationship that
will allow another to start believing them! And that is the issue, and the
point of this section.
Now, let's add some substance to this idea.
Although we cannot make someone feel something, we can tell them and show them
things that will get their attention. If we are consistent, we will start to
convince them that these things are real.
By the way, the opposite can
happen if we intend to make someone feel something negative. If you tell a
child from an early age that that child is no good, that child will start
believing that this is true. Most parents and adults don't go around telling
kids that they are no good, or bad. But it isn't always with these specific
words that the child gets this message. It comes to them in anger, harsh looks,
biting words, and physical abuse. It comes in neglect, ignorance, and
aloneness. So if doing these negative things will cause a child to feel poorly
about him- or herself, why do we do these things? No counseling intended, since
I am not a Psychologist, but these things are a crime against young minds, and
devastating to the development of a youth's thinking and self-image. This is
fairly easy for most caring people to understand.
...So why don't we see
that we do the same thing to adults? The same types of things happen when we
treat our adult relationships with anger, harsh looks, biting words, and
physical abuse. The same types of things happen when we neglect or ignore our
loved ones, or leave them to fend for themselves too long.
Okay, so you
get that, right? Now you must also get that the opposite also applies - if you
treat kids or adults with love, respect, and honor, they will respond with
positive thinking and growth. Their self-image will improve, their confidence
will grow, and their actions will become more productive and improve their
possibilities of success. Spending time with someone and sharing love and care
is like watering a thirsty plant - the leaves pick up a bit, become more green,
the flowers open, and all-in-all, the plant looks more healthy and beautiful.
Doesn't it make sense that the same thing happens to people?
I must
assume that anyone reading this has already concluded that they are willing to
try to treat a relationship with love, honor and respect. Whether you
are in a relationship or not, this willingness must be there! Remember that
when the student is ready, the master appears. This doesn't always mean that
some guru will step into your life to guide you through some phase you are
going through. Sometimes this happens. Other times, your situation allows for
growth with your own self-awareness and self-learning, and you just might
become your own guide.
Now, let's step back a bit...
In a
relationship that has progressed to the point of intimacy, you must not think
that the goal of the relationship has been achieved. All that has happened is
that you have established a working order for the building of the relationship
to its next level. You have to remember that if you do not feed the
relationship, it will stop growing. Stagnation is death. Once intimacy is
achieved, you are at a new starting point, passing yesterday's landmark, and
working your way down the path called life. This is the opportunity to rise
above the trivial, the temporal, and the meaningless. Because if the event is
simply a one night stand, you can add that to the rest of your one-nighters,
and you won't have anything to save when you are done but a few memories - and
not necessarily good ones - and a few more notches on your gun handle or
bedpost.
The opportunity for a good relationship is something to be
protected. If one comes your way, you may be headed for a real surprise. A
loving relationship is possible for every living being. Some of you will not
believe that, but I do! And if you find yourself in that kind of relationship,
you will discover that it is a way of life, a trend in thinking, a living,
changing, and growing thing that will give you new experiences every day. It
has the power, in effect, to set you free!
How is that possible?
So much of a person's reality is in the mind. Just as a child will start to
believe that it is good or bad based on what it is told, so will an adult start
to believe things too. Believing good things about oneself is enabling and
empowering. We find purpose in our beliefs. Our values are based on them.
Self-worth is perhaps the most significant element in a person to provide
reasons to achieve, to strive, and to endure. Love for someone else is also
strong. But without self-worth, there is no value to helping others. What do
you give to others if you consider yourself worthless? NOTHING!
With
the Cyrano Principles one just might start applying some concepts that will
improve one's self-image, and therefore, self-worth. If this has happened to
you, whether or not the Cyrano Principles contributed to these adjustment in
beliefs and thinking, then you are better able to give something of value to
another, and probably have developed better tools for building a good
relationship.
In putting them to use, all you must do is plug in your
own specifics, your own data. If you are aware of why you were attracted to
someone, and why they were attracted to you, this data should be there, in your
own mind, to be accessed and used in your formula to start the process of
keeping your relationship alive. It isn't just doing what you did to win
someone over. It is finding the essence of the things that caused interest. It
is being open to the fact that people learn new things all the time, and that
these new interests might be very important to one's future. It is taking into
consideration that your siginificant other might need your support and
encouragement in something that doesn't interest you at all!
It is so
much about giving. And although I cannot tell you what it is that you must
give, here is what your giving should achieve:
You should make her feel
special...
You should make her feel wanted...
You should make her feel
needed...
You should make her feel beautiful...
...and beyond a shadow of
any doubt whatsoever, she needs to know that you love her!
Guys, your
partner in life needs to know that you love her more than anything on the face
of this earth. She needs to know that you would give your life for her. She
needs to know that she is beautiful to you. She needs to feel that all day long
you are filling the moments between the hectic details of your day with
thoughts of her. Although she might look and feel funny standing on a marble
column in the courtyard, she needs to feel as though you place her above all
else, on the proverbial pedestal, respecting her, honoring her, loving her, and
holding her up in a place to show the world that she is most important to you.
THAT'S THE SECRET!
Now you're saying, "Oh, great! But
that doesn't help me - I still don't know what to do!" But if you are willing,
the answers will come, and before you know it, you will be doing things to make
your sweetheart feel the way she wants to feel - special, valued, beautiful,
and loved.
The idea is to learn about ourselves, and be willing to
learn about our loved ones. If we do learn, and make the best of this
knowledge, we will find to the tools that we need to make each other happy, and
make it a way of life to use these tools. If the routines of life incorporate
ways to change and evelop, they will not feel like routines. They will become
chapters of an amazing adventure that you are writing as you go. And the
travels will be enhanced by a relationship that is supportive and
empowering.
Let's back up a small step. As I was writing this section,
it was brought to my attention by My Sweetheart that there is the potential for
a very devastating thing to happen in the midst of giving to the potential love
of your life. The problem is that along with other addictions, making someone
else happy can be one that distracts from oneself and sets one up for personal
non-fulfillment. In other words, you could be so busy trying to take care of
someone else that you don't take care of yourself. What happens is that making
the other person happy appears to be the most thing on your agenda. This might
work if you are clearly in touch with your own needs. However most people are
not, for reasons we have covered in part, and will deal with again. Hence, your
own needs are not met. This is a formula for self-destruction, and if the first
Principle of the Ten is not firmly set, the giver could give until he has
nothing left to give, unless the recipient of the giving responds in kind, and
likewise fulfills the other. We could speculate on the odds of this happening,
and probably conclude that it is rare. One of the main purposes of the Ten
Principles is to prepare oneself before the relationship begins, or has
progressed to a point of dysfunction. It may very well be that this syndrome is
incurable. But I must believe that there can be a break in the pattern of
dysfunction, and that the needs of both participants in any relationship can be
met. Wishful thinking? Perhaps. But life is about balance, and the Principles
are designed to help gain an equilibrium that has long been overdue. The woman
has been an object of a man's world as opposed to a subject of responsibility.
In the natural order of things, one must take care of oneself first. Then when
the strength of character and person permits, one becomes more able to take
care of another. In the process we must be sure not to ignore our own needs or
sacrifice them in lieu of what we think is a worthwhile achievement. When all
is said and done, the goal is mutual fulfillment, and although this is more
than possible, it takes a conscious effort on the parts of both participants,
and a solid foundation of self-awareness. So don't do without while you make
sure that your sweetheart doesn't do without either.
One thing I am
learning now is that when you are with someone you truly love, and focus your
giving on that person, it affects everything you do. The reason for this is
that when the person you are with has a better day, yours improves too. If the
one you are with is in a constant state of love, guess what you get from that?
The answer is a constant flow of love back to you. If the one you love has a
perfect confidence that you love them and that they come first in your life,
then what do you get? Love comes back to you, magnified tenfold by the
confidence that you have instilled in that person who feels secure and safe in
declaring the love they feel, knowing that you will not tarnish what they give
you with ridicule, criticism, or rejection. Feeling safe is an important factor
in any relationship. It allows trust to grow, and trust is the foundation upon
which love can thrive.
So perhaps it is the flowers every Friday night
when you come home from work. Or maybe having a bag of her favorite chocolates
in the refrigerator. Perhaps it's the foot massage that you are so willing to
give, even though she has been on her feet all day...
... But it could
also be the fact that she knows you love her with your every breath. It could
be that she believes that many times a day she pops into your mind, because you
just can't go very long without thinking about her. It could be that she knows
that everytime you see a blue sky it reminds you of her eyes. Maybe she
realizes that each sunset brings back the memory of the time you sat on the
bench at the beach watching the incredible display of colors, and feeling that
the soaring of your spirits at the time was no less of an artistic creation
than the motion-filled painting before your eyes. Could she know that you are
planning some special date to take her somewhere she has never been, or back to
the romantic spot at which he first discovered that he was desperately in love
with you?
Here's as solid a clue as I can give a guy - Always be
thinking about how you can make her life better. Easier, cozier, warmer,
cooler, more secure, more fun, more loving, sexier... if you keep thinking this
way, you will come up with ideas that will help you enhance her life. Remember
as you do these things that the best way to give is with "Silent Giving." But
dont' give expecting her to see what you've done and will then shower you with
kisses and higs. That very well might happen. But if that is the reason you are
doing these things, then you are giving for the WRONG reason, and the value of
the gift dimishes accordingly, and so will the value of the return. So, just
give! Give from the heart because you want to improve her life. I guarantee you
that she will not be the only one who benefits!
The state of being in
love is fairly easy to achieve. Loving someone is something different. Loving
is an action. It is a process. It is a way of life. Loving is not necessarily
harder, but it does require a greater effort and diligence. If you approach
your relationship with this in mind, you will achieve a higher level of
awareness and success with your loved one. Both of you will be more fulfilled,
and therefore, happier.
... Easier said than done? ALWAYS! But well
worth the effort! Perhaps it is the most important reason to live - to share
love, and be a part of a truly loving relationship. If you have found this
person with whom you want to share your love and your life, it makes so much
sense to work at keeping it alive and well. A little bit of effort, a lot of
sincerety, and consistent thoughts about her welfare and well-being, and you're
almost there! Now, just love her! And let the goal to be to achieve a lifestyle
that allows you to keep showing her each and every day just how much you
do!
((((
(((((More than likely they are things you have
given in the past, and all you need to do is recognize what it was you gave,
and the value that it had with your sweetheart.)))))
I won't use the
analogy of you being closest anymore. Let's make that understood. I offered
that one repeatedly to make a point. These are questions you must be asking
yourself? I will help guide you to some of it. But the process must be ongoing
if you will remember, and not forget that you still do possess the magical
elements necessary to make this woman happy. Here we go:
Why were you
originally attracted to this woman? There must to be elements of beauty about
her. Also, she made you feel special too. Possibly she was such an awesome
woman that she made you feel awesome to have her holding your hand or arm as
you walked into a restaurant. Now there is an element of ego wrapped up into
that one, but I am not saying that it is a bad thing. I believe that it is a
good thing to be proud of the woman you are with. And there are always reasons
to be proud of a woman. You just have to know her. As a check on this one idea,
think of having some gorgeous woman with you as you walk into an expensive
restaurant. Normally this might seem like a real high. It's bound to make you
feel good. Right? Well, not necessarily. What if she snorts when she laughs,
chews gum with her mouth open, wears her skirts too short, whines about the
coldness of the evening like a child, and gets drunk in public? You are going
to have to love these things about her, or love something ELSE about her even
more! The best of looks have a hard time compensating for lack of common sense,
good judgment, and class. The point is that you have to love her, or that may
be your last date, in spite of how she might look on your arm in any given
second. Women are amazing creatures, and there is something special about every
single one. You just have to be the right guy to appreciate the things that are
special. One more thing - you don't have to be taking your girl to an expensive
restaurant to make these points. Common sense, good judgment and class have
very little to do with money. They are parts of one's attitude. In this
respect, the scenario could have been a burger joint on a thursday night,
dressed in jeans and t-shirts. All else still applies.
You are going to
remember things, such as - "She made me laugh..." and "She noticed my new
haircut..." and "She didn't make fun of me because I have an old, broken down
car..." and "She really seemed to have fun with me..." and "I was so
comfortable talking to her..." and "I felt so warm inside..." As I was saying
in the earlier paragraphs of this section, you are closest, so you should know.
Make a list of the things that she did, and things that you did in response,
and how she made you feel! After the list gets going, you might start
remembering a lot of things.
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